John Kerry and Mini-Me*

It is so cute to hear people, like Andrea Mitchell and even Geraldine Ferrara, cooing about John Edward’s youthful good looks suggesting that women would be dumb enough to vote for the ticket just because of that. Now which party is being sexist? If I could spell the noise of a tape recorder rewinding, it would appear here. Then I would play all the negative sound bites that flooded the airwaves the minute that Dan Quayle was announced as Bush’s running mate in 1988.

These same voices denounced the GOP for trying to recreate the Kennedy magic by tapping a young, handsome senator telling the country, immediately that they were never allowed to refer to Dan’s good looks. The same people who, 12 years ago, dismissed the female vote saying women were too smart to fall for good looks only, are now falling all over themselves between heaves of girlish blushes to remind the very smart women of America that Edwards is not just another pretty face… he is THE pretty face. Gee, if all America wants is a pretty face to lead them, let’s go to Central Casting to find one.

Then we have the all important military issue. Why was service so important just six months ago, and now no one cares that Edwards did no service in the military? Why is it that Republicans who honorably serve in the National Guard, like both Dan Quayle and George W. Bush, are equated to war criminals, while draft dodgers like Bill Clinton, and antiwar activists like John Kerry are lauded as men of courage and conviction? And if the Dems think military service is so important… why didn’t they vote for George 41 and Bob Dole?

As I heard the sound clip during the Democrat primary of Kerry asking what Edward’s military record was, reminding the world, once again, that when he served in Vietnam, that Edwards was in diapers, I had a vision. It was like this amazing flash of familiarity that hits you like a ton of bricks. It really dealt more with the similarities that they share on almost every issue, making them number one and four in “The Most Liberal in the Country” contest. But, it just hit me… Edwards is Kerry’s clone. My gosh, he is… Mini-Me. The diaper quote actually helped me fashion the vision with Edwards in the carryall, strapped to Kerry’s breast like Dr. Evil in Austin Powers. *

Think about it… John and John… wow, he really is a Mini-Me. Same name and everything. Isn’t that cute? Not only do they both represent only 19% of the American public who identify themselves as “liberal”, but their voting records are practically carbon copies of each other. They can’t out liberal each other. While claiming to be men of the people… the two Johns are very very very very wealthy. They are in the top part of the top part of the top part of that little percent part that says you are very very very very wealthy. But they both, with a cloned straight face, actually tell the voters that they are for “the little people.” Well, they don’t use the word “little,” that is too pejorative and their handlers would have a heart attack, so they use words like “victims of the Republican tax cuts.”

Boy, that is a head scratcher. Don’t tax cuts help tax payers who have been paying the bills for a bloated bureaucracy and out of control politicians who spend with abandon? So the two Americas that Edwards talks about are those who work hard and pay taxes and what… those who don’t work and don’t pay taxes? What exactly are these two Americas? Which America is he in and does he just absolutely hate the other America? His ridiculous, divisive rhetoric has every American asking, gee am I the good one or the bad one? Which side am I on? I know I am not as wealthy as either of them, or George Soros, or Michael Moore, or all those other loudmouth elitists who pretend to speak for me and mine.

So 81% of the people defined by Edwards as being in the “other” America say to themselves, “I must be in the hard working middle-class America, paying taxes to support the incredible burden of the government, while Kerry and Mini-Me are in the America reserved for rich liberal elitists.”

So as John [Kerry] parades his cute little dimpled clone around, hoping his southern accent will cast a magic spell over every southern voter, imagine them both with the tip of their pinky at the edge of their mouth saying, “We belong to the America where everyone is worth… ‘One Billion Dollars.’”

*If you have seen Austin Powers III, you will get this, if not, see it and tell me what you think.